Why Is It Sometimes So Hard for Women to Support Other Women?

As women, we hear a lot about the importance of supporting other women. We are all successful in our own ways. We are mothers, wives, partners, friends, business owners, doctors, teachers, professionals, caregivers, and about a hundred other things depending on the day. So why does it sometimes feel like the people criticizing us, minimizing our accomplishments, talking behind our backs, excluding us, or making things just a little harder than they need to be are other women?

I don't think most of it is intentional. Often, it's not one major event. It's a collection of small interactions that leave someone feeling unsupported, diminished, or excluded. It's easy to say, “I support other women.” It's harder to notice the smaller ways we sometimes don't—the unnecessary criticism of a colleague, minimizing another woman's accomplishment, pointing out her mistake when it serves no real purpose, excluding someone when including her would cost us nothing, or finding ourselves strangely bothered by someone else's success.

I've been incredibly fortunate to have women in my life who genuinely support me. They're happy when something good happens to me. They're there when I'm struggling. They encourage me, help me, share opportunities with me, and genuinely want to see me move forward. Their success doesn't make me feel smaller, and mine doesn't seem to make them feel smaller either.

Unfortunately, I've experienced the other side too. I've encountered women who left me questioning myself—wondering whether I was too sensitive, too ambitious, too much, or simply imagining the tension I felt.

So why does this happen?

Maybe We've Been Taught There Isn't Enough Room

I don't think most of this is a conscious choice. I think some of it may come from the messages women absorb throughout their lives about scarcity, comparison, and what we're supposed to be. Women are compared to one another constantly.

Have a successful career, but make sure you're present enough for your children. Be confident, but don't be arrogant. Be assertive, but don't be difficult. Take care of yourself, but don't be selfish. Be independent, but don't make anyone feel like you don't need them. Age naturally, but somehow don't look like you're aging. And if we let one of those things slide? Someone will probably notice.

If we've spent our lives being evaluated against impossible standards, maybe it shouldn't surprise us that sometimes we start evaluating one another using those same standards. Somewhere along the way, we may have absorbed the idea that there isn't enough room. Not enough success. Not enough recognition. Not enough opportunity. Not enough attention. If she gets something, maybe there's less available for me. Except that's usually not true.

Supporting Women Doesn't Mean Liking Every Woman

I also don't believe “women supporting women” means we have to blindly cheer for every woman we meet. We're not going to like everyone. We're not going to agree with every decision another woman makes. Some personalities simply don't click. Sometimes another woman behaves badly. Sometimes criticism is appropriate and necessary. Supporting women doesn't mean pretending otherwise.

But I do think it's worth paying attention when another woman's success bothers us more than it reasonably should.

Why did I feel the need to point out her mistake?

Why am I minimizing what she accomplished?

Why did I leave her out?

Why am I secretly a little satisfied that something didn't work out for her?

Why does her confidence bother me?

Those aren't always comfortable questions to ask ourselves. But our reaction to another woman's success can sometimes tell us much more about what's happening inside us than it does about her.

There Is Room for All of Us

Another woman's success doesn't erase our own. Her intelligence doesn't make us less intelligent. Her beauty doesn't make us less attractive. Her success as a mother doesn't mean we're failing as mothers. Her professional accomplishments don't diminish ours.

Women already navigate plenty of expectations, pressures, and competing roles. We don't need to make it harder for one another. Sometimes supporting another woman can be incredibly simple: tell her about the opportunity. Invite her into the room. Give her credit. Celebrate the win. Offer help when you can. And when she succeeds, let her have her moment without needing to find the flaw in it. Her success isn't your failure.

And yours isn't hers.