So, What Am I Actually Like as a Psychologist?

One of my very first questions for new clients is: “Have you been to therapy before?”

Sometimes the answer is:

“Yes, a while ago, but I hated it.”

“Basically, my whole life. Honestly, I’m tired of therapy—but I know I need it.”

“Yes, but I didn’t like the therapist, so I never went back.”

When I hear something like that, I see it as a challenge.

Challenge accepted.

Am I happy you had a bad experience in therapy? Absolutely not. That part makes me sad. And unfortunately, I hear it often. Sometimes a therapist simply isn't a good match for what a client needs. And sometimes, just like in every other profession, some therapists aren't particularly good at what they do. That bothers me because finally deciding to go to therapy can be a huge—and sometimes scary—decision. You've decided you need help with something, and you're trusting another person with parts of your life you may not share with many people. When that person isn't the right fit, it can be difficult to try again.

I've touched on some of this before, but I wanted to share a little more about what I'm actually like as a psychologist so you can get a sense of whether we might be a good fit. And this isn't entirely based on my own opinion of myself. A lot of it comes from feedback I've heard from clients over the years.

You Probably Won't Shock Me

First and foremost, I'm not judgmental. I know that sounds cliché. And yes, as a psychologist, I shouldn't be judgmental. But therapists are human, and unfortunately, it happens. I've been doing some version of this work as far back as I can remember. Before I was educated and licensed, I volunteered in domestic violence shelters and on a suicide hotline. Much of my adult career—aside from my work with children and adolescents, has been in forensic settings.

I've worked with people with incredibly complicated histories. Trauma, substance use, incarceration, infidelity, family conflict, toxic relationships—you get the point. Sometimes when someone tells me they don't have a complicated history, I must recalibrate for a second. Have I literally heard it all? Of course not. But I've heard enough to know that you're probably not going to tell me something that makes me flinch.

I may give you a look of surprise, sadness, or understanding. That's just me. It's usually my way of letting you know: I heard you. Sometimes it's also my way of communicating that whatever you're describing wasn't okay or that I understand why it affected you. But I'm not sitting there judging you.

What Am I Like in the Therapy Room?

My personality in the therapy room isn't dramatically different from my personality in real life. I'm not super talkative unless the other person wants me to be. I can be very quiet and sit back and listen. Or I can talk quite a bit when that's what someone needs from me.

I like to laugh. I love connecting with people, and I especially love having a fluid conversation with someone who just needs to be heard. Of course, it changes somewhat in therapy. I'm not there to give you my opinions about your life or tell you what you should do. My job is to help you understand yourself, recognize patterns, consider things differently when needed, and ultimately figure out what you want to do.

It's a dance. And I love to dance.

I'm Pretty Informal

I'm not the type of psychologist who demands to be called “Doctor.” Are there situations where the title matters to me? Absolutely. But when it's two people sitting together talking about some of the deepest, hardest, or most confusing parts of your life? That's not the time. Life happens. Kids happen. Things don't always go according to plan.

I have boundaries because good therapy requires them, but I'm also human. You don't have to come into therapy and perform some polished version of yourself for me. In fact, I'd rather you didn't.

Am I Good at What I Do?

Do I think I’m the world’s best psychologist? No.

But am I a really good one? Yes. I am. And I’ll tell you something—that took me years to be able to type. There are plenty of things I'm not good at. Don't ask me for directions. Don't make me add anything with two digits. And please don't ask me a technical or business question. I may scare you away with my ignorance. But I am good at being a psychologist.

I care deeply about my clients. I'm good at connecting with people. I'm comfortable sitting with the uncomfortable. And I don't expect every person who contacts me to be the right match for me—or me for them. If we're not a good fit, that's okay too. I'll still do everything I can to make you feel comfortable and help point you toward someone who may be a better fit.

Because finding the right therapist matters.